The Invisible Man

I finally have a new blog name/address. I wanted to change my previous blog name, soloansanble.blogspot.com because that name was inspired by my first location in Korea, Ansan. I've been away from Ansan for over 2 years now so it had to go. I literally stopped blogging, and stopped having the desire to blog because I didn't want to blog under a name that no longer applied to me. I wanted "invisibleman" or "theinvisibleman" but they were both taken so I had to settle for "invisibleman15." It's unfortunate because those other two haven't been used in years. 15 is my favorite number and it's used in many other screen names I have so it's not too bad.

 This excerpt from Ralph Ellison's book "Invisible Man" describes exactly why I call myself The Invisible Man: 
  “I am an invisible man. 
No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allen Poe; 
nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms.
I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids
--and I might even be said to possess a mind. 
I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination--indeed, everything and anything except me. 

 Nor is my invisibility exactly a matter of a biochemical accident to my epidermis. That invisibility to which I refer occurs because of a peculiar disposition of the eyes of those with whom I come in contact. A matter of the construction of their inner eyes, those eyes with which they look through their physical eyes upon reality. I am not complaining, nor am I protesting either. It is sometimes advantageous to be unseen, although it is most often rather wearing on the nerves. 

 Then, too, you're constantly being bumped against by those of poor vision. Or again, you often doubt if you really exist. You wonder whether you aren't simply a phantom in other people's minds. Say, a figure in a nightmare which the sleeper tries with all his strength to destroy. It's when you feel like this that, out of resentment, you begin to bump people back. And, let me confess, you feel that way most of the time. You ache with the need to convince yourself that you do exist in the real world, that you're a part of all the sound and anguish, and you strike out with your fists, you curse and you swear to make them recognize you. And, alas, it's seldom successful."


 I'm not exactly sure when I first felt "invisible," but I think the first time was around 4th grade when I turned into a complete nerd and was knee deep in the books. From then on, I always had a hard time fitting in, particularly with students in my grade. In my neighborhood, it was a strange coincidence that the kids I grew up playing with were all a grade or two below me. I was NEVER around kids in my grade outside of school and I almost NEVER interacted with my neighborhood friends during school because of being in different schools or different wings of the same school. Also around that time, sometimes I felt "invisible" when visiting my dad just because of the dynamics of the house. When he was married to his ex-wife, sometimes it'd be her, her parents, and her son and daughter around and I never felt like I fit in being around them. Or sometimes I'd just come on the wrong weekend when they had events already set up and they'd go and I'd have to stay at the house. There were a few other dynamics to those situations but that's the general point of it.


 Then came high school. The first year was pretty much the same as the former years, but I moved to a different city/school in the 10th grade. Somewhat of a clean slate, right? Nope, pretty much the same. No matter how much I tried to be "normal" or "cool" there was always a lingering feeling of not being wanted or not existing. Don't get me wrong, I had some good friends but I couldn't for the life of me understand why some people just didn't talk to me or gave me funny looks/responses. I'm sure that happened to other people also, but maybe there were reasons. For me, people I had never spoken a word to, never had any interactions with, just "refused to see me" as Mr. Ellison mentioned in the quote above.

Along came college...My first year of college was probably the most invisible time of my life. 2 hours away from home, so whatever hidden thoughts, or lack there of people had about me at home couldn't possibly flow 2 hours away could they??? Of course they could and did. So not only did I find myself struggling to fit into a "clique," I was away from home which was good in some ways but I had absolutely no one, and nothing to do most of the time. I tried going to ice-breaking events, going to the floor in my building with all black people, and other things that freshmen did to get acquainted to a new place and new people, NOTHING worked. Sometimes, I would meet people, have conversations with them, see them again and they'd completely ignore me, walk past me, look at me like they never saw me, or give me the "What's up, but I don't know you" nod. And once again, I found myself on many a night thinking deeply about what was wrong with my personality that kept people away from me??? I couldn't place it at all. Did I come off as conceited? Corny? Shy? Uninteresting? Ugly??? Or was I literally just invisible to people??? If so, what about me made me invisible? My short height? Basic looking face? Style? No clue!


 Then came my second year of college and things became a lot better because I randomly got placed in a suite with 3 other black guys who became very good friends and were well connected throughout the black community and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and felt what a "normal" life/social life was like. But of course, this is actually when I consciously felt the invisibility and started referring to myself as Mr. Invisible. Why? Because even though I finally had friends, there would be random awkward situations in which a person we all knew would come up to us and dap(shake hands) with everyone except me! It happened very often and I wish I was making this stuff up! That type of situation was the most noticeable but there were other types of occasions that produced baffling awkward events also.



 Coming to Korea, my invisibility was shattered. People from kids to old folks start at you with relentless curiosity/fervor 24/7. And sometimes I feel like a minor celebrity getting random "hello" waves and greetings from random people and random people wanting to talk to me. But of course my malignant invisibility found its way back at the start of my third year here. I began working for a private high school/boarding school with about 60 Korean teachers, and 15 foreign teachers. I'm the only domestic teacher, so I'm in an office away from the other foreign teachers. We talk in passing, but there are even a few of them for reasons unknown to me of course, that they don't want to talk to me, or say hello, or even acknowledge my presence. The same goes for about 50 out of 60 of the Korean teachers. You'd swear it was my first day of work, every day because even after 7 months, I get strange looks like who is this guy, he doesn't belong. And of course the usual ignoring, being left out of important work conversations, small gatherings with the principal and whatever else.


 That about sums up my history with feeling invisible aside from a few isolated events unrelated to these major time periods that shaped my invisibility. I will disagree with one thing Mr. Ellison said though, he said he isn't complaining about being invisible. I AM! It's a horrible feeling and I do my best to make sure I never make anyone else feel like that without reason.